Failing

My biggest fear in life is failing. Not just in big ways either, but in the small ways that no one really notices. Today during simulation we had the opportunity to intubate our simulator patient and it took me a few tries before I was finally able to position correctly and get the tube in. Even though it was my first time attempting to intubate and even though nurses do not intubate patients in real life because it is "out of our scope of practice" I still felt like a failure for those few seconds that I had to try and reposition and reinsert the tube into the simulator patient. I'm not exactly sure why I have this fear and why I feel this way even when most people wouldn't.

Failure when it comes to my future is probably the biggest part of this fear for me. I have a plan for what I want to happen in my life, not necessarily specifics but generally things I want for my life. A few of those things are: I want to get married and have a family, I want to get through nursing school and pass the NCLEX the first time around, I want to find a job after graduation that I will love and I want to be happy. These are some of the bigger things in life that if they don't happen I will feel like the biggest failure on the planet. I realize that many people live completely fulfilled and happy lives without several of these goals but I don't think I'm one of those people. To put it simply, when it comes to life goals I won't settle, I won't let myself settle for anything less than what I want because that would mean failure and I don't know what I would do if that happens.
Now that I've gone off on a tangent, I guess what I'm saying is that my greatest fear in life is failure by my standards. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but oh well.

Awkwardly Beautiful

When people ask me about myself I really don't know what to say and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. My life is pretty much an open book and I have the tendency to tell people more than they want or expect to hear. For instance, when creating this blog it asked me what I wanted to name it and I couldn't think of a name. That may have been due to my lack of creativity but also partly because I'm not completely sure where to start or what to talk about. I guess for now I'll start here...I'm a Nursing major at University of South Florida in Tampa. I am going to Panama over the summer for Community Health and will graduate in December, both of which I am really excited about! Outside of school, I have amazing family and friends and I absolutely love them. I have spent the past 2 summers on Team as a camp counselor at a camp that has meant so much to me throughout my life, I talk about it often and find that some of my closest friends are the ones I met at this camp. During my first summer on Team, I realized how beautiful my life is and how beautiful the people in my life are, I know this may seem very cheesy to many people but it's the truth. On a side note, I have discovered through the years that I am incredibly awkward and that no matter how hard I try to not be awkward, I still am, so I stopped trying a long time ago.
So that is the shortened version of my life for now... pretty much awkwardly beautiful <3